Student Wellbeing Services
Counselling and Mental Health Service
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Loneliness
It is a cliché that we can feel lonely, particularly so in a crowd. Unfortunately it is one that is only too true and all too common at university. Here, surrounded by people of a similar age and, supposedly, with lots in common we can nevertheless feel isolated and awkward. This is made worse by the sight of others who seem perfectly at ease and are rapidly making friends.
Leaving home and coming to university involves a number of changes: in lifestyle, work patterns, and degree of independence. The accumulated effects of these can make people feel uncertain of what to do or how to be. Social insecurities can then creep in, even in people who normally feel quite socially adept. So, for some, loneliness is a new and disconcerting experience, while for others it is more familiar, but may now be accompanied by disappointment that university has not brought a hoped for change.Loneliness is common at university for many reasons, including:
You are away from friends and family
It may be the first time in years - maybe even since primary school - when you have had to 'start from scratch' making new friends
You may be missing old friends and finding it hard to replace them - or perhaps even a bit reluctant to replace them with substitutes
You may be missing old friends and finding it hard to replace them - or perhaps even a bit reluctant to replace them with substitutes
You may have high expectations of university as a place where you will make friends for life, and be disappointed in the people you initially meet
You may have a long distance relationship and feel torn between social life here and elsewhere
You may be anxious about work and feel in conflict about spending time on social activities
You can feel lonely:
When you are alone and have no choice in this
When you do not feel part of a group or event
When there is no one with whom to share your feelings and experiences
When you feel disconnected and alienated from your surroundings
When there is no-one to know how miserable and isolated you feel Loneliness can make you feel:
Self-conscious and ill at ease with others
Angry and critical of others
Unloved and unwanted
Socially inadequate
Convinced that there is something wrong with you
Self-conscious and ill at ease with othersngry and critical of other
These feelings, of course, can then result in lowered self-esteem; a (usually unfounded) conviction that people do not want you around; a reluctance to even attempt to make friends or take part in social activities; an inability to assert yourself and say 'no' to things you do not want to do and a consequential feeling of being exploited.
What can you do about loneliness
Remember that loneliness is very common. Almost everyone feels it at some time. It is not a defect. It is something that can be changed. It is a sign that important needs are not being met.
Changing the situation may involve finding and developing a circle of friends, but it may also mean finding ways of learning to enjoy your times alone; to use them more constructively and pleasurably.
Do not wait for other people to visit you or speak to you. Try to talk to people you sit next to in class or at meals or in breaks at work. Say hello, or even just smile, at people you pass on the staircase or elsewhere in college or in your workplace.
Please call in at the office, or link to www.student.counselling.co.uk for further information on loneliness.
If you would prefer to make an appointment to speak to a counsellor about your problem, please contact us.
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